If you’re pregnant right now, I recommend waiting to read this ’til after your little one has arrived.
“I’m good with four kids. Really.
I think we can just be done…. at least for a while.”
Those were the thoughts going on in my head a few months ago.
I see babies a lot. I have the joy of photographing newborns, and twins have always been fascinating to me. My husband is a twin- the one who “isn’t supposed to be here”- the smaller baby, the one who hid behind his brother for the first three months.
So as we grew our family from 1 to 4 babies, we knew it was a tiny possibility we could get pregnant with twins (there are some in my family as well) but it never happened.
Then we decided we were content.
Happy to be done, our family of 6 was good.
I never thought I would feel just “content” or “full”, so it was weird to me to feel it at 4 kids.
I always said I would have 6 kids, but then we were happy with our family size.
I’m the oldest of 11 kids, so I get asked on an almost weekly basis if I’m going to “have a dozen kids like my mom has” (I guess some people still can’t count!).
My cycle started back after I weaned my blue-eyed baby, Shaphirah, and we made it a whole month not getting pregnant.
A whole month!!
Then I was exhausted. So tired. And hungry! I craved fried dill pickles something crazy… and that should have been a sign.
My husband thought it was twins from the beginning.
I remember looking at my husband just after the pregnancy test… and going “ohh shoot.”
We just stared at each other for a while.
My body changed quickly, and we found out at 7 weeks 4 days it really was 2 babies!!!
Even when you KNOW it’s a possibility… there’s an amount of shock that sets in to see it on the screen.
There was a lot of emotions- to go from really not wanting to get pregnant, to pregnant with two babies.
I slept a lot. Tried to process all the many emotions-and get excited.
We told the kids, and they were excited cause TWO babies is so much more fun than one baby to share.
Then we told family, and next shared a video online and told the whole world.
Fast forwarding just two weeks later- I had a sonogram at 9 weeks 4 days, and when the tech pulled up the video on the screen I knew.
There was one happy and fat little baby, but not two.
I could see a little of what remained of my sweet little one, but he/she was gone.
I had a gut feeling the week before that something was off.
You know how it is when you just KNOW something is wrong??
I had two major panic attacks a few days before-and I remarked to a friend that I physically reacted like someone had died.
My skin broke out in several places, and I slept more; I just felt like my body was purging.
So I’m oddly thankful to have a physical “red flag” that gave me time to realize something was going on.
Baby “B” (we will name baby once we figure out the gender, as they were identical) was smaller from the start, implanting later and measuring four days behind. I didn’t realize that might mean the baby wouldn’t make it.
I didn’t ever think I would have a rainbow baby. I’ve met with moms, cried with them as I’m photographing their sweet baby and remembering the baby they lost- but it’s odd to think of losing a baby and gaining a baby in the same pregnancy.
I honestly don’t know how to process the grief. One moment I feel like maybe I’ll be okay, and then I’m breaking down cause I won’t get to see my baby grow up.
My comfort is that I’ll get to know exactly what the baby would look like- thanks to Baby A.
I’m grateful to have identical twins now, so I have that peace.
There’s not a guilt, because I have taken care of myself better than I ever have in a pregnancy. I prayed for both babies everyday since knowing I was pregnant (which we found out at a whopping three weeks pregnant), and prayed that we would be blessed with 2 healthy babies.
I know my Lord is great and merciful, and I’m at peace knowing I will see my sweet baby one day with Him.
I’ve still cried a lot. Randomly, at things that I didn’t know would bother me.
The strollers at Target.
Anything that reminds me of two babies.
The thought of never hearing two babies cry at the same time.
So for the mom reading this who is going through many emotions, and not able to express them… I feel you.
It’s hard when you just want to cry by yourself in the bathroom and not see or talk to anyone for days.
Then you WANT interaction with adults, and just to wake up and forget anything happened.
Losing your baby is ROUGH. Like painful, rip your heart out rough.
Maybe you’re not going through the same things I am, but motherhood is just plain hard some days.
It’s a weird spot, still being pregnant. I have to work hard to protect my baby and my emotions as best as I can, which means not absorbing everyone’s comments when they are less than ideal.
I have a really hard time not being “super mom”. Maybe you’re like that too?!
It’s okay to not be in control and have to accept help from others.
- Through this trial, I’ve been able to get to know ladies from church I didn’t know- who want to serve, and were happy to step up and help me.
- It’ has opened up conversations with moms I know who have lost their babies, and I didn’t know.
Our sweet baby will affect so many people, touch many lives… in just the short 8 weeks he was with us.
If you have lost a baby, or a child, I’d be honored if you’d share their name, birth date, or story with me below.
Your little one is loved, cherished, and their story is worth sharing.