Ahhhh, pregnancy! It’s so beautiful. Your hair is gorgeous and full. Nails growing like a dang wolverine! And advice flowing freely. To save you all some time, I’ve condensed all advice I received into one helpful blog post that you may reference at any time. Enjoy!
You should definitely make exercise a huge part of your pregnancy because this helps your body prepare for the rigors of labor (*insert horrifying birth story from grinning advice-giver). Also, please make sure you never do anything more strenuous than breathing. Don’t run, walk, twist, stretch or lift anything heavier than a donut! Speaking of donuts, keep reading.
Are you on Whole 30 yet? Because you should be, whilst at the same time making sure you are listening to your body and eating whatever you want, whenever you want it. Are you hungry now? What would you like to eat? But also, are you logging your calories because if you gain more than 30 pounds your doctor will talk to you nonstop about gestational diabetes. Which leads me to making sure you are drowning your body in water at all moments of the day, unless of course you are doing your 2nd round of gestational diabetes testing in which case you can’t even look at water for 15 hours. But definitely make sure you don’t get dehydrated or you’re a very bad person.
Bacon is keto, but don’t eat too many carbs – also cauliflower is a carb (what kind of a hell-scape is that?). But make sure you eat lots of carbs or your child’s brain will shrivel. What did you have for breakfast today? What are you craving RIGHT NOWWWWWWW! Do you want a sandwich? Are you eating bread? You need to eat every 2 hours – but at the same time you should be intermittent fasting like your ancestors did in paleo times so you child will be sharp and ready for the zombies.
What’s your nursery theme? Whatever it is, it will not be gender-specific enough. Going with something safe like Noah’s Ark? Make sure to include drowning and screaming humans or it’s not biblical. Your theme is plaid? That’s not a theme! (*insert shocked faces of horror while strangers get personally offended by your nursery that doesn’t exist yet).
It’s a great idea to get rid of all your personal belongings during this pre-baby time. Be completely minimalist to avoid stress! Easy, just pack up all your stuff, move it into the garage and take out things you need as you need them. You will end up with only a couch, a spoon and a toothbrush. But at the same time, BUY EVERYTHING! You will not have time to shop after the baby so get 3 of everything because you don’t know what kind of pacifier he will like. Also, never use a pacifer or his teeth will fall out instantly.
You’ll need to scrub every inch of your home with bleach to get rid of any mold spores, but make sure it’s non-toxic bleach that was made by woodland fairies in Vermont. Also, don’t clean because this is too much exercise.
It’s absolutely essential that you have a completely natural birth in your backyard hugging a pine tree. But also make sure that you are submerged in water and completely hypnotized. Definitely go to a hospital in case you need a C section. But if you do have a C section, just understand that you are a 2nd tier pregnant person and this birth story will not count. Probably it’s just easier though to schedule your C section so it’s more convenient for everyone.
Your partner should be present to catch the baby and cut the umbilical cord – this is absolutely essential for bonding. But make sure he doesn’t catch even a glimpse of the baby’s head emerging or he will never want to touch you again. It’s best to blindfold him Bird Box – style.
The instant you give birth you should bind your mid-section in whale bones… because Kim Kardashian. While at the same time fully embracing your natural post-partum curves. Ohhhhhh, you’re not using almond oil on your stretch marks? Well it’s too late now. *insert long story about advicee’s essential oil routine.
Take all the vitamins, while at the same time not wasting your money on any vitamins because they won’t help you at all because someone found an undigested Centrum pill in the sewer once somewhere. It’s best to just eat your child’s placenta, but also knowing that the free-drying process will kill any nutrients so this is 100% a waste of time.
Do you have a crib – HAHAHAHAAAAA! You’re a fool, you won’t use it. The baby should be sleeping in a basinett by your bed, or better yet safely co-sleeping in your bed. But at the same time, you should make sure you put him down drowsy in his own crib from day 1 or else he will never sleep. You can sleep train him before he goes to college, just rock him to sleep every night until he’s 18.
I could go on, and I’m sure you could too…
Public Safety Announcement: consider replacing baby advice with one of these encouraging statements:
“This is really hard and you’re doing a phenomenal job.”
“You look great!”
“This kid is so blessed to have you in her life.”
What about you? What are some life-giving words that you long to hear as a new or expectant mom?