Disclaimer: I really hope this makes you smile… I understand that people are suffering in real and actual ways – this is not written to minimize that grief in any way. Hope this makes your smile!
Want to ensure that you and your family maintain the highest levels of suffering possible during this quarantine? Use this step-by-step guide and I can almost guarantee the highest possible level of misery:
Do a Science!
Hey, remember how you once had a NOVA show on in the background while you were scrolling Instagram? Well, you earned your doctorate and you need to be posting a lot about the science behind Covid and the murder hornets and flattening the curve. Remember that you are qualified to chime in with your opinions and you have the background to go ahead and solve these problems.
You are 1-2 social media posts away from getting rid of the crisis. Oh, you don’t feel qualified to go ahead and create a Covid vaccine? You might need to up your podcast consumption… 2 late nights should be the trick to creating your own Covid treatment!
Ferment your problems
If you’re not fermenting something on your stove top right now, you are basically on a government watch list. If a strange mass of gelatinous goop is not bubbling up on your kitchen counter RIGHT NOW, or dying a slow death in your fridge, are you EVEN sheltering-in-place? Did your partner just give you a weird look at the wrong time? Make a sourdough starter out of him – all you need is a very large mason jar, pineapple juice, a very apologetic husband and time!
Feeling Sad? You’re just not busy enough! Every negative feeling means a new activity – no time to process, unless you’re processing a new fabric dye out of avocado pits! It’s like the 1800’s but you’re working a full time IT job with no childcare – just like Laura Ingalls Wilder, right?
SmugMom7225 is homeschooling better, so definitely follow her blog, Pinterest board, Instagram feed and family TikTok account. Don’t think about her full time nanny or the fact that she’s a different human than you and has a different set of life struggles. Compare yourself to her as if you have the exact same income stream, support system and metabolism. You could basically be her if you could just know what shade of lip stain she uses – and if you are not her it’s definitely because you are not a worthy human being and you just need to try harder.
Anyone can do it!
It’s so easy to sew your own masks that anyone can do it! Sewing is extremely easy and not at all a skill to be valued. There’s definitely no math or complicated ironing involved. Your hair ties are for sure wide enough to attach easily to the cotton sheets you just ruined. If your homemade mask doesn’t look like the one on YouTube tutorial, it’s definitely not because the professional seamstress on the tutorial has been sewing for 17 years and you have been sewing for 2 minutes. Sewing is easy, you are an inferior woman, because sewing is soooooooo easy!
Get your summer body… that no one will see
What a great time to go on that very restrictive diet you’ve been flirting with! No one needs you to be happy or calm right now. Misery feeds the ketones – and ketones kill the Covid – see you just solved the global pandemic. The absolute essential feeling you should have in order to level up on the Quarantine Misery is SHAME! So definitely make sure you berate yourself constantly.
Cheers, mom! You are a doing an amazing job in the middle of a very stressful time.
Give yourself some grace and if you find yourself truly miserable, please reach out! My inbox is open and I’m rooting for you!