Friends, as I write this, we are mere hours away from the season premiere of the 24th season of ABC’s The Bachelor – a show that appears to be about love, but is actually about humans with too much symmetry on their faces competing for Instagram followers. They are so beautiful that it hurts to look at them for longer than three seconds. They are so beautiful they can part their hair in the center. Some of them even pretend that they have jobs. There are many tears, crop tops and jumping hugs. Seven women will be named Lauren. At least four “can I steal you?” per episode – stealing people is against the law, but ok.
These are the Bach 2020 questions that demand answers: Which one of the remaining blonde waifs will Pete choose? How many times will Chris Harrison reference the fateful windmill? How many “fun facts” will the audience have to endure while Pete and his potential woman experience local culture at an open market? How many medical sales representatives will there be?
Trust the process!
So do y’all remember when they released Cats the movie too early and Dame Judi Dench’s human hands were showing in one scene? The world is exploding around us and we are on the brink of war, but no one could stop talking about Judi Dench’s human hands that showed for one millisecond of a film that less than five actual people saw in the theater. That’s kind of what the Bachelor is to me – just a touch of weirdness is an otherwise terrifying world – and I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!
Join me! Enter this helicopter hells-cape and forget about your real life.
There are a handful of kind friends that I can share my love of all the weirdness – Emilee, Jessica, Karin and Bethany – you are my safe space.
If anyone out there in this world feels the need to judge me for my viewing choices, let me just go ahead and describe three MINUTES of my life yesterday:
Toddler screams at me for snack. I say no we’re having dinner in 20 minutes. Toddler screams louder for snack, I promptly start making snack. Toddler then screams because snack takes longer than 0 seconds to create. I hand snack to toddler lovingly. Continued screaming because now he doesn’t want snack. This is the same snack he pointed to and screamed for. He is still screaming, while eating the snack… Toddler throws snack on the floor and now is screaming because snack is not in his hand. There’s still a piece of snack in his mouth, but it has fallen out so as to accommodate more screaming. Now I’m screaming. Everyone is on the kitchen at this point is screaming and eating snacks – we will probably be here a while.
You know who never asks me for a snack? Chris Harrison.
You know who is a snack? Peter Weber.
Wine, roses, face masks, friends and the most dramatic game in Bachelor history:
Download these pages and enjoy the next dumpster fire of an episode – with friends, non-judgemental beautiful friends!
This is the real journey to find love – Happy Galentines Day everyone!